Top Ten Worst Horror Movies

24 Dec

10 Worst Horror Movies

10. Final Destination

Final Destination is on this list not so much for being an incompetent film as just a weird film. There are several elements to this weirdness, but all of them are centred on the core premise. A guy has a vision of his own death. Having received this vision he avoids said death, along with several other teenagers. Since they were ‘supposed’ to die and didn’t, Death (that is the elemental personification of Death) thereafter takes a personal interest in seeing to their demise. So far, so weird. This is just the beginning however. Over the course of the film it becomes apparent that Death doesn’t have a lot in his schedule and watches too many cartoons. Overly complex and convoluted deaths abound, often with an Acme twist, forcing an already silly plot to supreme levels of idiocy. This, along with stilted and wooden acting, unimaginative scene setting and a hammy script ensure Final Destination’s reputation as a bad horror movie.

9. Return of the Living Dead III

A little known film in many circles, Return of the Living Dead III was a film among the 80’s splatter era, and is a prime example of why that era sucked so bad. Basic premise: boy’s girlfriend dies, boy goes to Colonel Father and asks him to re-animate her. Colonel Father, in the best traditions of army whack-jobs, agrees and they promptly give her a dose of zombie gas. She wakes up, makes a snack of a few Latino gangsters and begins a new zombie apocalypse. Despite the obviously masterful plotting, what really lets this film down are the special effects. In that time of ketchup-for- blood, the special effects department managed to come up with zombies that looked as though they had wandered in from a children’s play. What ensues is just plain embarrassing, the cast seem to agree. Watching bored people run away from clay-mation monsters that they evidently don’t care about is not a way to spend an afternoon.

8. Black Sheep

This 2006 fable of killer sheep is a good example of a special kind of film. This kind of film is based around one single joke, ala Killer Tomatoes etc. The single joke that Black Sheep is based around is instead of turning into a Were-wolf, someone turns into, yes, a Were-sheep. How hilarious! Oh, and they could set it on New Zealand! And run the tagline “Get ready for the violence of the lambs!” or “Get the flock out of here!” or even “There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand…and they’re pissed off!” As this concept demonstrates, there may be beauty in simplicity, but there is also a hell of a lot of stupidity. Black Sheep fails to engage on every level. It is clear that once the writers had come up with their core idea they let everything else write itself albeit badly. The humour is confusing at best, and in a comedy horror, that is simply inexcusable. Save yourself and your eyeballs the bother and stay away, you have been warned.

7. I Am Legend

I Am Legend is a film about Will Smith showering. Oh, sorry, got it wrong. I Am Legend is a movie about Will Smith exercising and driving a fast car. Ah, damn, again. I Am Legend is a movie about world renowned biologist Will Smith being the last and therefore coolest man on earth fighting bad CGI albino vampires by night and showering, exercising, driving a fast car, playing golf on an aircraft carrier and getting emotional with a dog by day. Yes! Got it right! Oh yeah, the film is rubbish too, for the definitive last man on earth experience watch 28 Days Later, to see Will Smith be Will Smith, watch this.

6.  The Village

M Night Shyamalan has been taking a lot of stick recently. Every movie that he has done since The Sixth Sense has been derided to varying degrees, and the Village is a prime example why. It starts with an intriguing premise (as Shyamalan’s screenplays tend to), there is a village in ye olde times. This village is surrounded by a large forest, a dark forest in which exists unnamed creatures. The villagers have a truce with these creatures, they stay out of the forest and the creatures stay out of the village. Then one night the truce is broken and all hell breaks loose. It is at this point that he makes the mistake that he has been making ever since, confusing plot twists for actual plot. We are lead through a story so labyrinth that it is impossible to follow and the film suffers as a result. A poor showing given such an original premise, as such it is rightfully panned.

5. The Howling

The Howling makes for an easy entry on this list, both for being terrible and spawning a million sequels which were even worse. In this most abhorrent of features we follow our protagonist Karen. Karen is a news reporter. One day she is felt up by a bad man. Then she is upset and goes to a resort to recuperate. She is sad when she arrives because the people there are weird. This is because they are werewolves. Then she kills them all with a macguffin, turns into a werewolf herself and is killed also. As a story, The Howling is uninspired and contrite, as a movie it is awful. With many incoherent and unexplained moments, terrible effects, protracted painful dialogue and muddy lighting the film as a whole is amateurish, dull and confusing.

4. The Wasp Woman

It is a shame to drag this film up from the depths of history, however it ultimately necessary, let us elaborate. The Wasp Woman was made in 1959 on a shoestring budget (these shoestrings evidently belonged to a hobo) and is one of the single most boring films ever made. Poorly received in the day, it fares even more poorly in the present day. The basic premise is this: an anti-aging cream is invented which uses “wasp enzymes”, a female CEO of a cosmetics firm takes notice and uses the cream herself to great effect. However as time passes she changes and inevitably becomes the titular wasp woman. Halle Berry Catwoman comparisons aside, this film is let down by an awful screechy soundtrack, a flat script, hammy acting and above all, a truly laughable attempt at a monster costume, look it up if you dare!

3. Gothika

Halle Berry is another whose star has waned in the last decade. Ever since her Oscar win for Monster she has starred in a series of successively awful films. Gothika is case in point. The film opens in an absurdly gothic psychiatric hospital, with Halle Berry playing the role of one Miranda Grey. Miranda Grey drives home one night, encounters a little girl ghost, is possessed by said ghost and wakes up in the psychiatric hospital the next morning as (shock!) a patient, having murdered her husband. What follows is an attempt to attach plot to this drivel, without any success whatsoever. Plot is essential to horror, as we have seen, and Gothika is a good example of why this is the case. Without originality or suspense, no scares ensue.

2. Teeth

Teeth is a horror that attempts something new and tries to be funny about it, on the former it triumphs and on the latter it fails miserably. The premise is this, a girl has teeth in her vagina and can bite off a man’s penis with it. Where this movie fails is execution, what could have been a somewhat meditative movie is turned into a rote high school flick in which said girl lives in a town with an improbably high number of perverts and has an origin story of sorts as she bites off the penises of these men and the fingers of one gynaecologist. It is unfortunate that this is the case, as at times there is genuine promise. The reason Teeth fares so poorly is that while it is a great idea, the execution is simply terrible.

1. Feast

Feast is the result of Project Greenlight, a competition set up to encourage amateur horror directors. Throughout you can see the touch of the amateur; the strange camera shots, the occasional lighting problems and oh yeah, the absolute lack of any redeemable features. There is no humour, plot, chemistry, atmosphere, inspiration or (something essential for a horror) scares. The plot is this, monsters attack a bar. One sentence, that’s all. There is no attempt to stray beyond this, and indeed this mentality pervades the film as a whole. The characters speak in one liners. The creatures are one note. The film is set in one room (practically). One minute is too long to be watching. End of.

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